To what might be Casually considered a Disaster
by pouncinglioness
Summary: If anyone can bring about the turn of disaster it's Longbottom! He has certainly outdone himself this time! He has glued the wrong man to the wrong student! But... she is rather wonderful... (prepare to be shocked an appalled at the consequences of putting whiskers into a cauldron before the whale sperm.)
1. Chapter 1

2

"Longbottom!" bellowed Snape from his nest at the front of the room, "Those whiskers go in after the whale sperm! Now you've-" Snape was cut off by a huge boom. Not just an ordinary boom either, a boom that cost many a slytheryn and gryphondor alike the hearing in their left ear, and directly after the boom there was a rather unbefitting twinkly noise. Not that any noise would be befitting of such a bloody great boom.

Harry and Ron had scampered away just barely clear of the powder debris (three guesses who fainted right on the spot). Hermione and Snape took the great brunt of the foul smelling powder. Hermione had the reflexes to cover her ears but not the time to move. She fell forward, being caught at the waist by Snape himself. After the cloud had dissipated somewhat, the class just stared in shock and silence. Snape and Hermione stood coughing and trying not to breath more than necessary. Hermione was trembling. Harry and Ron rushed over to her. "DO NOT TOUCH HER!" was the greeting to their worry. Besides a rather inappropriate hand on her side and violent coughing she seemed to be okay. Snape looked confused and slightly panicked. Finally, Hermione passed out. Snape picked her up and without word carried her to the infirmary.

Madame Pomfrey made quite a fuss. She was able to quickly extract all of the powder out of Hermione's lungs and throat. That wasn't the worst of it. Hermione's shirt had to be removed. Apparently the powder was some kind of glue because Professor Snape's hand was thoroughly attached to her waist. That glue could have closed her lungs and throat.

"Magnificent work Madame" Dumbledore twinkled in her direction. With only a momentary blush Madame Pomfrey went on to explain the rest of the situation. "Well, that's a relief I must say" the whole room, who included Professor McGonagal, Madame Pomfrey, Professor Dumbledore, Professor Snape, and an unconscious Hermione (with exception) stared at the headmaster in horror.

"A relief sir?" Snape fairly trembled with emotion "It's a bloody relief?!"

"Well yes, there are much worse reasons to be clinging to the waist of your student." Dumbledore could just barely conceal his amusement. "Dear professor, I understand that you have tried to remove your hand from her, but have you tried moving it simply from the spot where it landed?" Snape looked at him confusedly but none the less humbled himself to the wisdom of his headmaster and sure enough his hand glided across Hermione's skin.

"Just as I suspected, the potion Mr. Longbottom has concocted is a very old one indeed. He must have been failing miserably at the potion you assigned him to have gone that far out of the ordinary. Even more difficult though, is the antidote. I can't at all remember what it is or how long it takes. Please inform me the moment she awakes." Everyone again stared at him in horror as he walked out of the infirmary door.

As everyone left the room Severus was left alone, holding the hand of Hermione Granger. Quite dreading the moment she awoke, He desperately lowered his face onto his free hand and sat thinking to himself "Jolly well done Longbottom."


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione spent many days in between awake and mostly dead. She fought hard to regain her consciousness but when she finally awoke she sorely wished she hadn't. The poison of the potion took a good long while to clear itself of her body but eventually she was strong enough to just barley open her eyes for a moment and whimper. She felt a great stirring of people from all around her. Harry's loving voice was the first that she could comprehend. Then Hagrid's warm, familiar voice telling them all to back up. Finally Madam Pomfrey's shrill, concerned voice while someone fell down.

"My dear, can you speak or understand me at all? Can you open your eyes?" Hermione, with a great deal of effort, did open her eyes. The light hurt, which caused her to groan in discomfort. "Someone go to the headmaster!" Harry and Ron stumbled over each other and out the door. Hermione took in her surroundings, to say that she was surprised to find Professor Snape sitting at her bedside and holding her hand was an understatement. In fact she was sure she was dreaming. She decided not to worry about it because this was surely not real and her headache would not permit too much pondering on anything.

By the time Dumbledore came in Hermione was well awake, not that she was feeling at all well. Severus was still holding her hand. When asked about it he replied "Dumbledore will explain everything much better than I can." And so they sat there in awkward silence waiting for the headmaster.

"Ah! So glad to see you awake and well Hermione! And I'm sure Severus is as well, this has been an immobile five days," with a chuckle, Dumbledore sat in the chair. He was entirely without his normal amused twinkle. "I have discovered the poison. It was made first by a man with as much desire to prank as our beloved Weasly twins. It was made by Guradicle Demisias. As I have read it, he made the potion in an effort to prank his friend and his enemy. Skin is stuck to skin but can move to any part of the skin at all as long as they are still touching. If allowed to settle the potion will become part of the skin and make a rash looking as if plants were grown on the body eventually making the person completely unrecognizable as human. If your clothes had been allowed to stay attached to your skin, they would have remained there forever after the substance had dried and been overtaken by the vines. This was in response of his friend's betrayal." As all the Dumbledore had said was allowed to settle on the victims' mind for a moment, Hermione was much too weak to cry or stop herself from crying. So she sat in a sick state of despair.

"Isn't there any way at all to reverse this?" Severus once more had is cool, collected, façade in place.

"Yes, but I'm not sure you'll be glad to hear it." He was shot two puzzled looks. "A marriage." From behind the privacy curtain Madame Pomfrey gasped. "Come out darling you are most inept at sneaking." She came from behind the curtains with her mouth gaping open and eyes as wide as tea cups. "Yes, a wizarding marriage."

"So no matter what we do we will be stuck together for the rest of our lives! We can either be hopelessly bound by marriage or hopelessly bound by poison! Basically our only hope in life now is that we can piss in privacy without looking like an int! Where the hell is Neville I'm going to kill him!" Hermione was gasping for air and feeling rather faint. Everything was spinning either with her own rage or sickness. Severus sat quietly, thinking about the possibility.

A wizarding marriage was truly for life, a magical contract much like the goblet of fire. They could never marry anyone else. Without a doubt an antidote would have to be made. The poison would not be satisfied without copulation. Just once. What if she was a virgin? What if they were miserable together for the rest of their lives? Nothing would stop her from physically being with other people but she could never have children with anyone other than himself. She might not want children anyway. He supposed she was lucky in many ways. He was not an ideal life partner but he would never stop her education, he had no interest in controlling her life or taking anything away from her particularly her best element. He only hoped that they could be friendly at least. He decided that she would choose. Whatever she chose he would accept. Surely she would see though that the logical option was marriage. Being stuck together figuratively was better than being stuck together literally. Quickly he was snapped back into reality.

"What do you think Professor?" He at last looked up to find that everyone had gone.

"I think a marriage would be the most logical course of action. I also think that we should discuss everything when you are less obviously feeling like you're about to cry or faint. Right now I think that you should probably sleep." All of the usual cold drawling voice she was accustomed to barking orders at her was gone. The voice of her potions master was soft, tired, and almost kind now. She nodded in agreement and laid down on her beloved pillow and feel deeply asleep holding the hand of her newly betrothed.


End file.
